The Other Side of Her Insanity

(NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT)

Once upon a time there was an old spinster, Lana, who resigned herself to being the crazy cat lady of her family. Just as she was about to adopt three more cats, she met the man of her dreams. Kendall lost his girl friend, Mindy, two years prior to a tragic accident. Though they were never married, he loved Mindy’s daughter, Smashley, and grandchildren, Andy and Greggie, as his own. This made Lana love him even more. Lana and Kendall planned a lovely life together. When they moved in together Kendall gave Smashley the little furniture he had and moved in with Lana.

Eventually, Kendall proposed to Lana. But Kendall was concerned. He explained to Lana that after Mindy’s death, he gave everything to Smashley to sell to or to use in her new home with her boyfriend. She was a single mom and had two boys to raise. When Lana and Kendall met, he had nothing but clothes and a bedroom set. He had nothing to offer except a ring that had belonged to Mindy. Kendall explained that Mindy had called off the engagement because she didn’t want him to end up being responsible for her, her kids or her finances. She had been in a car accident and injured her back and had gone through many surgeries. She returned the ring to him and broke off the engagement before she died. Kendall had stayed by her side anyway. Another quality Lana admired about Kendall.

Lana asked Kendall if he was sure he wanted to give her the ring. “Shouldn’t it go to the Smashley?” she asked. He said, “No, we had discussed it.” Smashley received all her mother’s belongings, all of her jewelry, furniture, everything in the house except the ring which was returned to Kendall by Mindy. It belonged to him to do with as he pleased. He took the ring and had it made into a new ring for Lana. Lana loved Kendall and rather than allowing Kendall to go to the expense of buying a new ring, she accepted the one gift he had to give her.

As life went on Lana and Kendall were married and were very happy. However, they were very worried about Smashley and the boys. They had fallen on some tough times. She broke up with her boyfriend and was living with friends, three of them in one bedroom.

Smashley’s car had broken down. Lana and Kendall helped her get another car; giving her a down payment and co-signing a loan with the promise that she would make payments. Smashley made two payments. Lana and Kendall started working a second part time job to pay for Smashley’s car.

Smashley lost her job. Lana and Kendall talked her into moving closer to them so they could help out. She moved in with friends, but it wasn’t working out. Lana talked her sister, Shelly, into taking in Smashley and the boys until they could buy a home for them all to live. It was a year earlier than they planned to buy, but Smashley and the boys needed a place to live instead of living three in a rented room.

Lana’s family was very worried about the Smashley and the boys too. Smashley was drinking at night and hiding the wine bottles in the trash. Shelly could hear Smashley complaining on the phone to her friends about being ill treated, “Shelly is such a bitch!” In actuality, Smashley wasn’t helping to earn her keep. When Shelly and her daughter started to work around the house, Smashley and the boys would leave to “run errands.” When Lana’s family confronted Smashley about the problems she got defensive and mean and Smashley locked herself and the boys in the bedroom.

After three months, Lana and Kendall found a house big enough for all of them and invited Smashley and the boys to come live with them. When escrow closed Lana and Kendall called Smashley with the move in date. “But it’s my birthday! My friends want to take me to Vegas.” Lana and Kendall had been married just over a year, but Smashley wanted to move into their new house before they could. And she wanted them to babysit while she celebrated her birthday in Vegas with friends. Perhaps Lana and Kendall should have seen this as an omen of things to come. They told Smashley there would be other birthdays; she needed to help with the big move into their new home. Lana and Kendall made some strict rules to follow about paying rent on time and being neat and tidy. Smashley promised to follow them all.

They all got along for a while. But after a while, Smashley began let the rules slide. The kitchen was always a mess she’d leave for Lana and Kendall to clean up. There was always food and garbage in the sink and on the stove. Their bathroom was always a swamp and you couldn’t see the floor in either of their bedrooms. And, Smashley was still drinking. Lana and Kendall would come home to find the house a wreck and Smashley would have a vodka and orange juice in her hand.

The rent was constantly late. Smashley would be insulted if they Lana and Kendall asked for it. The grocery bill went from $200 when it was just Lana and Kendall, to $700 a month for the five of them. They needed the rent to help with the extra food, electricity and water bills for five people.

Lana and Kendall were married almost two years; Smashley and the kids had lived in the house with them for 6 months. Lana and Kendall confronted Smashley about the problems they had been keeping silent about and it escalated into a huge argument. At this time, Smashley brought up her mother’s ring for the first time. She denied every having the conversation with Kendall about the ring after her mother’s death. She called him a liar and Lana a bitch as she stood in their home.

Smashley locked herself in her room and made the kids sleep with her. She acted like Lana and Kendall would hurt the kids or brainwash them to hate her. Lana could hear her on the phone telling her friends what terrible people she and Kendall were and how horribly she was treated. Lana would accidently receive texts meant for Smashley’s friends calling Lana names.

After a while things cooled down and things went back to normal. But, a pattern was starting to form. Every few months, Smashley would let the rules slide, Lana and Kendall would confront her, big fights would ensue. Lana and Kendall were very worried how this was affecting the boys and they were worried about Smashley too! Lana made arrangements for family counseling. After two visits, things got better again. Lana and Smashley had a long talk and came to some understandings about each other. Smashley made wonderful efforts to keep the house tidy, the boys were on a consistent routine, and she even cut back considerably on drinking in the evenings. Lana and Kendall were very happy with the progress.

One Memorial Day, Lana and Kendall bought tickets for the whole family to go to the Angel game. It was a great day! They had so much fun. At the end of the night, as they were all packing up to leave, Andy (Smashley’s oldest boy) was missing! They couldn’t find him. Everyone was looking for him. Lana was so scared something bad had happened to him. As Lana was walking back to the car, she saw Andy hiding and laughing in the back of the car. Though Lana was relieved to find Andy, she was also very angry and him for playing such a terrible joke on all of them.

When everyone got home, Lana and Kendall went into the bedroom and got into an argument. Not a good thing when one has been drinking at a ballgame all day. As Lana and Kendall were arguing, Smashley burst into the room (without knocking) and started yelling at them, “We can hear you! How do you think that makes us feel?!” Smashley and Kendall started to argue. Kendall was so angry he punched a hole in the bedroom door. Smashley started to pull pictures off the wall and throw them at Kendall. She flew at Kendall and started hitting him. He grabbed her wrists and wrestled her down to the couch to calm her down. All this happened in front of Smashley's kids. Lana broke up the fight and Smashley grabbed her kids and ran out the door. She ran across the street to the neighbors and called the police. She accused Kendall of beating her. The police saw the bruises on Kendall’s arms on Smashley’s wrists and decided that Kendall had not hit Smashley, but was trying to stop her from hitting him. She told the police that she was afraid to go back into the house, but she had no place to take her kids. The police asked if she could stay, would there be any more problems? Lana and Kendall allowed them back into the house.

Smashley accused Kendall of beating her and had publicly humiliated Lana and Kendall in front of their new neighbors. This was the final point when Smashley lost their trust.

Again, Smashley locked herself in her room and made the kids sleep with her. Lana tried to patch things up between Kendall and Smashley. Things calmed down for a while.

Smashley started dating a really nice man she met at the Angel game that Memorial Day, Rodney. By June she was pregnant, but she kept it secret from Lana and Kendall. Smashley and Rodney were saving up to get an apartment and Smashley was afraid that Lana and Kendall would throw her and the kids out on the street. She kept it a secret from them until September. Smashley told Lana and Kendall they would have a place by Christmas.

Smashley and Rodney got an apartment close by. Lana and Kendall would still watch the boys and helped when they could. Baby Chincha was born and everyone seemed to be getting along fine.

One night, Smashley texted Lana, asking if she could come over the next day and do some laundry. It was late and Lana and Kendall were in bed. Lana said to Kendall, “Smashley wants to come over and do laundry tomorrow.” Kendall was ½ asleep and said, “That’s fine. I’m off at 3.” Lana texted to Smashley, “Come over at 3. Kendall will be home.” Lana and Kendall went back to sleep.

The next morning, Kendall gets up to go to work and finds an email from Smashley (copied from Yahoo account):

“Im sorry that you have to read this first thing when you get to work but I have not other way to express myself right now. I am done being nice and bitting my tongue. Im sorry Kendall, I love you but Im DONE with Lana. She is NOT my mom and she is NOT the boys Grandma and I dont have to put up with her. She doesnt treat me like a daughter so I dont not owe her the same respect as a mother. I asked her if I can come over during the day to do a couple loads of laundry and she tell me I can come over at 3 when you are home. Im not allowed in the house when noones home? Shes treating me like Im a drug addict thief or something. Thats bullshit. I do not what her in my life any longer. We will not be going to her grandparents on the 19th so please ask someone else to make the beans. I also do not need you guys to watch the kids when we go to Vegas either. Thank you for everything you do for us but Im done and cannot do this anymore.”

Lana and Kendall are surprised and confused?! Kendall goes to work and emails Smashley that he doesn’t care if she comes over to do laundry. Lana emails the same thing and tells her to come over and do her laundry. The email fight begins.

Lana and Kendall know that something else is bothering Smashley. Is she over worked, over whelmed with the new baby? Are finances tight? Is there something bothering her?

Suddenly Lana and Kendall receive more emails from Smashley:

“And Yeah your right I have an issue with you and havent liked you since I found out that you had Kendall take my dead mothers diamonds out of her ring she had on her finger when she died and put them into a ring for you because he couldnt afford the ring you wanted. That is morbid and heartless and I knew nothing about that. What kind of a person does something like that??”

Again, Smashley accuses Kendall of being a liar, she admits that she has never liked Lana and accuses Lana of being a “morbid and heartless bitch.” This is the way Smashley felt about Kendall and Lana, yet she took their money, accepted a car, lived in their house, and took gifts from Lana and her family. Smashley went on to publicly humiliate them again by posting this drama on her Facebook for all their friends and family to see. She portrays Kendall as having pried the ring off of Smashley’s dead mother’s hand. She portrays Lana as demanding Kendall to make her an expensive engagement ring from Mindy’s ring.

Kendall’s heart is broken. He has been there for Smashley since she was nine years old. Smashley will continue to hurt Kendall by not letting him see Andy, Greggie and Chincha; his grandkids that he’s loved since their birth. Lana has tried to be a friend to Smashley and make her part of her family. This is how Kendall and Lana were repaid.

After reading this, if you still think Smashley is right, Lana and Kendall pray for you and hope that you are never in the position as Smashley's friend to have to deal with this kind of betrayal.

Young Love - Me@16

One of my nieces posted this on her Facebook page: “Young love, to me, is the hardest kind. Cause’ the younger you are, the more you’re blind...” Poetic but I was taken aback thinking that she is way to young to be dealing with such problems at the early age of 16.

Yikes! Old age just slapped me in the face! I thought back to when I was 16 and involved in a heated love affair (in every sense of the word), its influence and how it has left me slightly tainted to this day. I was compelled to reply, but hesitated in fear of negating these very real feelings. So, taking liberty with a phrase from one of my favorite movies, Dangerous Liaisons, I wrote: “Now that you know this, you must use this secret power to your advantage. Most girls don't make this realization till they are in their 30's. You are way ahead of the game. The male species only enjoys love/happiness they feel at the moment. The female species only can enjoy the love and happiness they give to others. A women's intelligence leads to her happiness always.”

Never having any children, I cannot give any words of wisdom for raising strong, confident daughters. So I’m going to step into my time machine and give ME@16 some good advice.

Dear ME@16,

The reason you like these guys (I like to call them Sluggos) is because you are at an age when you are trying to express your independence. Sluggo is doing the same and he has his own agenda. You are merely a vehicle to achieve his goal. What is his goal? I’m glad you asked.

Sluggo likes the fact that you depend on him. You give him confidence. He feel unsure of himself and you give him acceptance and admiration. By allowing him to rule and manipulate you, you make him feel powerful. When you don’t give him what he wants, he will act as all boys do (even when they get older). First he’ll plead, then he’ll accuse you of not loving him, then he’ll threaten, and lastly he’ll start looking in other places for his power. This makes your competitive streak set in. Now you will resort to anything to keep Sluggo interested. This is where things get dangerous.

If you say NO . . . you take the chance of him leaving and you will claim your heart is broken forever.

If you say YES . . . he get’s what he wants. He looses interest from the lack of challenge and you take the chance of him leaving and you claim your heart is broken forever.

So how do you avoid heart break forever. Not going to happen. Our heart has been broken many times through the years but there is a healthier way of looking at it that may alleviate the pain of saying “NO!” (And there were several times when I now wish I had said no.)

I’m going to evaluate this in several different ways:

Historically: A hundred years ago we did not live as long as we do now. The human life span was not what it is today. Before the advancement of medicine and health education, people only lived into their 50’s or 60’s. One was considered middle-aged by the time they were 30. People married earlier and had children in their teens and 20’s. Medical technology has lengthened our lifespans into our 80’s and even our 90’s. Problem is that puberty and the urges to mature and procreate has not evolved with it. Too bad doctors cannot find a pill or operation to postpone it till you need it.

Scientifically: Two points A) It has been scientifically stated that the part of the human brain that evaluates risk assesment and decision making is not fully developed until the approximate age of 25. Unfortunately, that is not matched with the part of your brain that is throwing you into puberty, firing off the mechanism that is triggering you to breed. B) In nature, the male struts to attact the female. The female is attracted and mates. This is planned to prepetuate the species. This is ultimately why we are attracted in the first place. But, the female is the one that chooses. The males of almost all animal species are brightly colored or have handsome, distinguished features that attracts the female. The males compete for her favor by displays of strength. But the power ultimately is hers! She does not worry about attracting males.

Philisophically:
Right or wrong? Good or bad? Sin or purity? We ask ourselves what is the right answer. From day one all I wanted someone to love me. That is the ultimate goal, right? Fall in love and live happily ever after like in all the books we read when we were kids. What is so wrong or sinful about that?

But what our underdeveloped brains don’t notice is that these fairy tales were; a) written decades ago when women had nothing better to do than wait around for a man to come along and rescue them and; b) did not portray women who lived full adventurous lives while waiting around for prince charming. Sleeping Beauty slept. Snow White slaved away for the seven dwarves; Cinderella was a housekeeper for her step-mother and step-sisters. All we are good for is housework until the right guy comes along. Why is that?

Perhaps women of intelligence and power weren’t desirable to men back then because the men who wrote these stories wanted subservient, bare foot and pregnant mates. These women of intellect were too much work to win. Did these women have to sometimes dumb themselves down to attract men they thought worthy of them? Or, did these men make themselves worthy? Did you know that Queen Elizabeth 1 of England was called the Virgin Queen? Joan of Arc was burned at the stake at 19 for heresy; questioning a king’s right to rule France.

Okay, what was my point? I knew I had one when I started this tangent.

The point, ME@16, is that in retrospect, yes, it is easy to lecture you on love. You truly thought you were in love with these Sluggos. But you got older and realized that you should have been loving yourself more, because whether or not you thought you were in love, these Sluggos weren’t in love with you. There is a high percentage of women who look back at the ghosts of boyfriends past, smack themselves on the forehead and say, “What was I thinking?!” There were far more worthy that you just passed by because they weren’t cool enough.

In conclusion, it is too late to do anything about the decisions ME@16 made. I suppose it was the stupid decisions she made that made me the person I am today. I can only hope to be an example for those girls who come in contact with me by projecting confidence, self-love, self-respect, and offer support to the generation of ME@16s to follow.

(This post is dedicated to my nieces, my step-daughter, and my new grand-daughter.)

Lane Bryant too Sexy for FOX and ABC?!

Okay . . . what television executive has his head up his anus this week? The ones who banned the Lane Bryant ad, that's who. Of course, Lane Bryant is loving all this free publicity, but I think there is a deeper underlying issue aside from whether or not one would shop at Lane Bryant or whether FOX and ABC are prudes.

In 1966, a model named Twiggy started the whole stick figure trend that has plagued the self-esteems of women for the last 40 years. Granted she was cute, blonde with big blue eyes. But prior to that, more realistic sex-symbols were hour-glass shaped like Sophia Loren, Jane Russell and then along came Raquel Welch and Jacqueline Bissett.

The media has been out of control for years determinig what is attractive and we've all fallen for it for way too long. I think certain fashion executives are finally realizing that they are missing a huge demographic (pardon the pun) of REAL women. It's time to stop the madness of programming our female youth to think that thin is beautiful. We have to start impowering women into realizing that individuality, intelligence and strength is beautiful and healthy.

Thank goodness the tables are turning. I don't want my female decendents to go through the anorexic/bulemic torture I did to feel accepted and loved. Kudos to Lane Bryant and Dove for looking at the rest of the female population for their role models instead of the stick figure.