One of my nieces posted this on her Facebook page: “Young love, to me, is the hardest kind. Cause’ the younger you are, the more you’re blind...” Poetic but I was taken aback thinking that she is way to young to be dealing with such problems at the early age of 16.
Yikes! Old age just slapped me in the face! I thought back to when I was 16 and involved in a heated love affair (in every sense of the word), its influence and how it has left me slightly tainted to this day. I was compelled to reply, but hesitated in fear of negating these very real feelings. So, taking liberty with a phrase from one of my favorite movies, Dangerous Liaisons, I wrote: “Now that you know this, you must use this secret power to your advantage. Most girls don't make this realization till they are in their 30's. You are way ahead of the game. The male species only enjoys love/happiness they feel at the moment. The female species only can enjoy the love and happiness they give to others. A women's intelligence leads to her happiness always.”
Never having any children, I cannot give any words of wisdom for raising strong, confident daughters. So I’m going to step into my time machine and give ME@16 some good advice.
Dear ME@16,
The reason you like these guys (I like to call them Sluggos) is because you are at an age when you are trying to express your independence. Sluggo is doing the same and he has his own agenda. You are merely a vehicle to achieve his goal. What is his goal? I’m glad you asked.
Sluggo likes the fact that you depend on him. You give him confidence. He feel unsure of himself and you give him acceptance and admiration. By allowing him to rule and manipulate you, you make him feel powerful. When you don’t give him what he wants, he will act as all boys do (even when they get older). First he’ll plead, then he’ll accuse you of not loving him, then he’ll threaten, and lastly he’ll start looking in other places for his power. This makes your competitive streak set in. Now you will resort to anything to keep Sluggo interested. This is where things get dangerous.
If you say NO . . . you take the chance of him leaving and you will claim your heart is broken forever.
If you say YES . . . he get’s what he wants. He looses interest from the lack of challenge and you take the chance of him leaving and you claim your heart is broken forever.
So how do you avoid heart break forever. Not going to happen. Our heart has been broken many times through the years but there is a healthier way of looking at it that may alleviate the pain of saying “NO!” (And there were several times when I now wish I had said no.)
I’m going to evaluate this in several different ways:
Historically: A hundred years ago we did not live as long as we do now. The human life span was not what it is today. Before the advancement of medicine and health education, people only lived into their 50’s or 60’s. One was considered middle-aged by the time they were 30. People married earlier and had children in their teens and 20’s. Medical technology has lengthened our lifespans into our 80’s and even our 90’s. Problem is that puberty and the urges to mature and procreate has not evolved with it. Too bad doctors cannot find a pill or operation to postpone it till you need it.
Scientifically: Two points A) It has been scientifically stated that the part of the human brain that evaluates risk assesment and decision making is not fully developed until the approximate age of 25. Unfortunately, that is not matched with the part of your brain that is throwing you into puberty, firing off the mechanism that is triggering you to breed. B) In nature, the male struts to attact the female. The female is attracted and mates. This is planned to prepetuate the species. This is ultimately why we are attracted in the first place. But, the female is the one that chooses. The males of almost all animal species are brightly colored or have handsome, distinguished features that attracts the female. The males compete for her favor by displays of strength. But the power ultimately is hers! She does not worry about attracting males.
Philisophically:
Right or wrong? Good or bad? Sin or purity? We ask ourselves what is the right answer. From day one all I wanted someone to love me. That is the ultimate goal, right? Fall in love and live happily ever after like in all the books we read when we were kids. What is so wrong or sinful about that?
But what our underdeveloped brains don’t notice is that these fairy tales were; a) written decades ago when women had nothing better to do than wait around for a man to come along and rescue them and; b) did not portray women who lived full adventurous lives while waiting around for prince charming. Sleeping Beauty slept. Snow White slaved away for the seven dwarves; Cinderella was a housekeeper for her step-mother and step-sisters. All we are good for is housework until the right guy comes along. Why is that?
Perhaps women of intelligence and power weren’t desirable to men back then because the men who wrote these stories wanted subservient, bare foot and pregnant mates. These women of intellect were too much work to win. Did these women have to sometimes dumb themselves down to attract men they thought worthy of them? Or, did these men make themselves worthy? Did you know that Queen Elizabeth 1 of England was called the Virgin Queen? Joan of Arc was burned at the stake at 19 for heresy; questioning a king’s right to rule France.
Okay, what was my point? I knew I had one when I started this tangent.
The point, ME@16, is that in retrospect, yes, it is easy to lecture you on love. You truly thought you were in love with these Sluggos. But you got older and realized that you should have been loving yourself more, because whether or not you thought you were in love, these Sluggos weren’t in love with you. There is a high percentage of women who look back at the ghosts of boyfriends past, smack themselves on the forehead and say, “What was I thinking?!” There were far more worthy that you just passed by because they weren’t cool enough.
In conclusion, it is too late to do anything about the decisions ME@16 made. I suppose it was the stupid decisions she made that made me the person I am today. I can only hope to be an example for those girls who come in contact with me by projecting confidence, self-love, self-respect, and offer support to the generation of ME@16s to follow.
(This post is dedicated to my nieces, my step-daughter, and my new grand-daughter.)
No comments:
Post a Comment